By Branden Lee
         

I spent nearly 27 years wishing, hoping, and praying for my first boyfriend. Then after only a week together I cheat.

Black gay pride was quickly approaching. I’d never been to a Black Gay Pride, so I was excited to experience my first. I am still new to Atlanta, and finding boyfriends has been easier than finding friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, most I found on dating apps, that I chat with and maybe go clubbing with. Still, haven’t found gays just to hang out and chill with.

Zimbabwe’s still DL, mostly, and not into going to gay clubs. Which is fine. Many guys aren’t into gay clubs for a variety of reasons. Though I definitely wanted someone to go clubbing with.

Zimbabwe and I didn’t delete our dating apps despite being official. Apps were proving helpful for me to find new friends. Then Zimbabwe said he wanted to find gay friends of his own. I was apprehensive since he never expressed interest in looking for platonic friends before. Though I couldn’t ask him to delete his apps if I wanted to keep mine. I wasn’t going to be a hypocrite in my relationship.

I found a new friend on Growlr, and things were definitely platonic. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. I asked for a face picture from him for his contact info, and he sent me a barely clothed speedo pic. Zimbabwe saw it and wasn’t happy about guys sending me barely clothed pics. I didn’t think much of it since I knew I wasn’t attracted to the guy.

I wasn’t very trusting of Zimbabwe meeting friends on Jack’d. Zimbabwe’s profile was faceless, and his profile description said “looking for fat asses to fuck deep.” He changed his profile description to appease me, to say he was just looking for friends.

I’ve been paranoid about Zimbabwe being faithful since he has so many options. Zimbabwe is a top. Tops are rare in Atlanta. His phone is blowing up 24/7 with ex-hookups, ex-boyfriends, and random guys online trying to fuck. It makes me insecure. Especially since Zimbabwe and I hadn’t even done anal yet.

Black Gay Pride weekend rolls around, and I go club hopping with the guy that sent me the barely clothed pic. Zimbabwe is out, hanging out with a “friend.”

Zimbabwe texts me wanting to meet up. Apparently, he forgot I was going clubbing for pride, and then he became pissed after I said who I was hanging out with. He proceeded to ignore all my texts/calls for the rest of the night.

Ignoring me sets off my crazy. I can’t stand being ignored. I also don’t find ignoring your partner acceptable in a relationship. If we have an issue, then we need to discuss it. My entire night was ruined. I still went bar hopping to distract myself, though all I wanted was to talk to Zimbabwe.

I go to The Eagle and run into EMT, the guy that dumped me a few days before Zimbabwe entered my life, which ruined my night even more.

 

I get a text from a guy I made out with at the club once. He invites me to join him at Burkharts. I wasn’t ready to go home and sulk, so I went out. I did make out with the guy briefly. I feel like my boyfriend abandoned me, and I don’t even know if we’re still together.

I feel guilty and go home. It’s late.  I’m drunk. I’m horny. I’m sad.

 

I invite a random guy in town for pride over to my place. We hook up, but I tell him anal isn’t an option. I hadn’t even let Zimbabwe into my hole yet, so I’m not going to let a random. Because cheating doing anal is worse than just doing oral is what I tell myself. I ask my hookup’s relationship status, and he says he’s single, and I say I’m not. Which does seem to bother him, and then he leaves.

 

I go to bed. I wake up wondering how I’m going to break the news to Zimbabwe that I cheated.

 

Branden Lee is a writer, filmmaker, and actor now living in Atlanta.

 

 

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