Where has the magic gone?

Hey, Daddy!
Kiss a little, touch a lot, roll over and stick it in. My boyfriend and I have only been dating a year, but the sex is already predictable. Every time used to be exciting, but now I’m bored.

We used to build little moments all the way up to the big moment. Now we’re basically getting there so we can sleep. I can do myself faster – and sometimes better.

Bit Onerous, Repetitive Expected & Dull

Dear BORED:
Sex takes two, and I’m reading a tinge of blame between the lines. Take ownership of your passion and stop waiting for him to figure it out.

Step one? Reflect on your own fantasies. You can’t make your relationship all new, and you wouldn’t want to start over, but you can tap into what made it hot in the first place. Whether it was the extra time you took, or the way he smelled freshly showered for a date, there’s a lot you can recreate time and again for years to come.

Once you’ve revisited what turns you on, it’s back to my oft-repeated, number one piece of advice, ever: Communicate. Tell him what you want. Here are a few things that tend to work:

Talk dirty. When you’re out, tell him how badly you want him. Sneak a hand onto his crotch and tell him what you want to do.

Wait for it. Letting it simmer includes after you’re naked. Extend foreplay. Tell him where to place those kisses. Place more than a few of your own.

Put on a show. Point out your erection while you’re still at the restaurant. Duck into the men’s room for a quick flash. In bed, make him watch you touch yourself and vice versa.

Take charge. If you’ve been rolling over, get on top. If he’s worked up, slow down until he begs.

Hey, Daddy!

My longtime partner and now husband has all but given up doing little things to win my affection. Where are my flowers?

Not Even to Express Deep Yearning

Dear NEEDY:

Go buy flowers if you like flowers. Then give them to him and say you were thinking of him. Enjoy the view together, and mention you used to do such things for each other.

 

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

His husband controls his life? Mama told you there’d be days like this. Daddy has some answers.

Hey, Daddy!
My husband of one year, who I adore with every fiber of my being, controls my life.

Before we were married, it was little stuff. When I would make suggestions on anything, he’d shoot them down. I got used to it.

After a whirlwind courtship, including leaving my job, my belongings and my friends to move to his city, it has evolved into his making every decision for both of us. He even approves (or more accurately, disapproves) my clothing choices.

He is everything I’ve ever wanted in a man. I never thought I’d find one like him who was as into me as I am into him, but I did, and it’s often perfect.

Still, I did upend my life. Now he has announced that his dream is to live in another city, and that he’s already landed a job there. We move in a month. I’m not ready to unsettle yet again. Then again, my devotion to him is non-negotiable.
Situation Ugly But Marriage Idealized Totally

Dear SUBMIT:
There’s a line between dominant personality and control freak. You’re husband crossed it a long time ago. Control freaks are actually more about “freak” than “control,” and you already know where he stands on the continuum.

He’s been grooming you for this role, and you consciously or unconsciously decided to go along with it as the noose tightened on your individuality. It’s a tough knot to loosen when it gets this far, as you already know, but not impossible.

On the surface, yours is like a traditional dominant-submissive relationship. The Dom is in charge, and the Sub lets him call all the shots. The difference is that Sirs and Boys have a predetermined agreement and adore their roles. You and yours shaped your relationship into something you would have never agreed to at the start.

You can either formalize your dom-sub interactions if you realize that’s what you wanted all along, or you can pull yourself up by the insecurities to change your situation. Either way, it’s crucial that you come to an understanding. You probably can’t fix it before you move, but try to sort out what you really want before approaching your husband.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

Inconsiderate groom takes his marital bliss on the back of a dead friend, and a drunken buddy calls the seventh time for bail money.

Hey, Daddy!
It’s been five years since a friend in our tightknit little gay circle committed suicide. Apparently, it takes a tragedy to show who your real friends are.

It took a long time for many of us to work through what happened, much less move on. During that time, two friends consoled each other, grew closer and got married. At the wedding, one of the grooms said he owed his happiness to the dead friend. Without him, they wouldn’t have gotten together.

I can’t believe he would think that, much less say it out loud. What kind of person takes happiness on the back of a suicide? He should apologize, or at least stop going around letting everyone know what a horrible person he is.
Didn’t Realize A Monster Awaited

Dear DRAMA:
The helplessness and hurt after suicide is a hell all its own. It says a lot about your love for each other that, five years later, you guys are still thinking about your lost buddy. You probably always will.

You and the groom were both talking to the wrong person. Were you the wrong person to tell about his awkward realization? Based on your reaction, obviously. Is he the one who needs to hear about your pain? A professional might be better suited.

Start with the assumption that he’s not a monster. People are capable of holding two conflicting feelings: The pain of the lost friend, the joy of the marriage, and the clumsy coincidence of it being born from tragedy.

What he felt comfortable enough with you to share his awkward, vulnerable thought process out loud? If you’re ready to help him as much as yourself, open your heart and talk it out.

Hey, Daddy!
A drunken friend called me at 3 a.m. from jail. I left him there until morning because it was the seventh time in two years. Now he hates me.
Sorry Embarrassing Lush Forsaken

Dear SELF:
Responding immediately to a late night call from jail is called being a friend. Waiting the seventh time until you’re awake to call the bondsman is also called being a friend. He’s got a lot going on right now. Let him stew on it.

‘My boyfriend treats me well and is conscientious about my feelings … but he also stalks me and my friends.’

Hey, Daddy!
My boyfriend treats me well and conscientious about my feelings … but he also stalks me on Facebook.

His ex cheated on him really bad, so I try to be reassuring that there’s nothing to worry about. I answer his questions about my social media activities with some patience, but lately the jealousy has escalated.

Now he monitors not just me, but two of my longtime friends as well. He even accused one of them and I of sneaking around behind his back to have sex. It’s embarrassing.

Now a third friend found out he set up a fake account to see “what we were really up to.” He really loves me, so how can I get him to chill?
But Love Is Not Deceitful

Dear BLIND
We can’t work on him without his input, but you can work on you. Even with just your side of the story, we have plenty to go on.

You say he cares about your feelings. Neither of those things is true. The behaviors you describe are the opposite of respect.

This guy says you’re sneaking around, but he’s the one with a secret profile. If he really believes you’re untrustworthy, why is he still with you? He says he loves you, but what you describe is selfish obsession with someone he’s trying to control.

Whether it’s because of his ex, or because he subconsciously feeds on the drama, you have to deal with his behavior as is. You’ve got your own problems, and he’s at the root of them. Before your silence is taken as consent and it escalates further, stop making excuses and cut him loose.

Hey, Daddy!
I can’t get my mom to break up with her racist, homophobic boyfriend. Now they’re coming to Atlanta to see me – and my (non-white) husband. I love her and want to see her, but how do I tell her not to bring him?
Disdain Only, No Empathy

Dear DONE:
It’s easy: Just tell her. You can get together without him, or they can visit town and not see you. She’ll get the message, even if you miss her this trip. Ultimatums are usually the last resort, but it sounds warranted.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

When your man drags out going back to school on your dime, or your booty boy won’t do anything but anal, it’s time for a talk with Hey Daddy.

Hey, Daddy!
I agreed to support my boyfriend temporarily, but now it’s been a long time, and I want him pulling his weight.

When he decided to go back to school, I happily took on extra hours. He finished with honors, but he’s been dicking around for over a year working for $300 a month at the college while he finishes his dissertation. Our finances are deteriorating rapidly.

He says he’s looking for a better job, but throws a fit if I bring it up too often. He threatens to move out, and I’m afraid of losing my investment in him and us. I was proud when he went back to school, but now I hold it against him.
Doesn’t Only Owe Repayment, Makes A Threat

Dear DOORMAT:
It’s exhausting to be used. You’ve both gotten used to the arrangement, and while you feel the short end of the stick, he’s quite comfortable with the long end.

But make no mistake: You do have an arrangement. Until a new agreement is hashed out, you bear equal responsibility for keeping it the way it is – or changing it.

What are you really afraid of here? Your relationship? He’s not going anywhere on that salary. The sound of raising your voice? Let him have it if talking calmly isn’t working.

He’s going to do what you let him. Make some declarations, even ultimatums. You’ll both be liberated and can discuss moving forward, or you’ll see his true colors and can make moves from there.

Hey, Daddy!
The guy I’m dating is all about giving up the booty. Like, all the time. He’s butt up or heels in the air the moment I reach for my zipper. That’s all fine and good, but I am obsessed with blowjobs. How can I get him to simmer down long enough to give me mine the want?
Booty Limits & Obstructs Way to Mouth Endings

Dear BLOW ME:
If you haven’t sensed the theme of this week’s column, your letter landed here because you need to give your guy his next dose of D with a side of real talk. Bluntly tell him you want a trade for some time on your thing for time on his thing. The longer you wait, the longer before it’s resolved.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

Being blunt isn’t necessarily bad. It sets aside BS in favor of communicating important points. Here’s how being blunt doesn’t mean ‘Rude,’ but instead, ‘Listen up.’

Hey, Daddy!
I wasn’t ready for him to ask me if I take it up the butt. I mean, talking dirty is one thing, but at the doctor’s office?

I’m new to Atlanta from Alabama, and I chose a gay doctor who came highly recommended. But I was aghast that getting to know me included the question, “So do you participate in anal sex, either giving or receiving?”

“Um. Excuse me?”

“Do you have sex in your butt or other guys’ butts?” he repeated with a deadpan look.

I mumbled something but basically couldn’t get out of there fast enough. How can I find a doctor who doesn’t flirt and gets my Southern sensibilities?
So Humiliated Over Clearly Kinky End to Decency

Dear SHOCKED:
This is where some queens might say, “Get over yourself.” Instead, I’ll just welcome you to the big city – and to a doctor who’s not afraid to be clear about the health matters of sex.

Most doctors wouldn’t risk their livelihoods to hit on you, despite what you found on PornHub. Secondly, Southern Sex Shame like yours contributes to rising STD rates. Your doctor keeps it real so that he can gear testing, prevention and treatment to your needs.

Go back and tell him that you mistook your own embarrassment for a shortcoming on his part. My bet is that he’ll appreciate the bluntness.

Hey, Daddy!
My husband and I are monogamous, but we’ve all but stopped having sex. He cut back at the gym and since gaining 30 pounds, he won’t get undressed with the lights off, much less have sex.

How do I tell him that I still desire him?
Haven’t Orgasmed Right N Years

Dear HORNY:
This is no time to mince words. Like I told SHOCKED above, frank talk is human code for “listen up.” You’re not helping him worry about his weight by tiptoeing around the issue. Acknowledge it and lay your desires on the table.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

All the gay relationship and sex advice you can handle, then a little bit more. When you need some perspective, write Hey Daddy!

Hey, Daddy!
When I’m about to have sex with a guy, I sneeze. Sometimes I sneeze upon orgasm too. Is this just me being crazy old me, or is it an actual thing?
Normal to Orgasm Sneeze, Yo?

Dear NOSY:
It’s both! We’re all crazy, but impending sex does cause some guys to sneeze. When your horny brain titillates spongy areas with lots of capillaries, some signals misfire on the way to raising your flagpole and detour to the nasal passages. Other men experience tearing and salivation.

 

Hey, Daddy!
How long is long enough after a breakup before I get into another relationship? When do I know I’m ready to take the plunge again?

My husband dumped me while I was recovering from a major medical issue. We divorced and sold our lovely little home.

But girl, that was last week.

This week, I met this cute little guy, and now I want to take him home to meet my mama. I can totally see us getting married. Is it too soon?
Anyway, Love Or Tragedy?

Dear A LOT:
You’re right. That is a lot. First, take a breath.

Now take another. Deeper. There ya go.

Love isn’t on a timeline, but just by asking if it’s too soon, a little voice inside may say may be saying that, for you, right now definitely feels like Fast & Furious 8. What’s your hurry?

You’ve heard of rebound relationships, and we know serial monogamy is a longstanding epidemic. When it happens to you personally, it may be hard to tell the difference between real deal and fake news.

Does it feel like a rush job? Do you need to get married again, or want to be with this man forever? Would it hurt to continue dating to find out? Therein lies your answer.

 

Hey, Daddy!
Here’s a gay conundrum for you. I want a guy named Paul, but Paul has the hots for Noah. And, yep, Noah is all about me. Help!
Could Lads Undo Seriously Tangled Relationships?

Dear CLUSTR:
That you’re all friends is a great start. Buy a bottle of wine and call a meeting. The knots can’t get more twisted by applying some honest communication to the situation.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

Maybe you’re just getting back into dating and sex after a long relationship. Maybe all you ever want is casual sex and booty calls. Either way, Daddy knows hooking up can be oh-so hard to do. 

Hey, Daddy!

What is the deal with Millennials? I was in a 10-year relationship that ended, and I’m back on the dating scene in my 40s, well at least back on the tricking scene. Either things have changed, guys have changed, or I have changed. Maybe all three.

Rather than dating seriously, I thought a little fun with younger guys not ready to settle down would be more my speed. Boy was I wrong. One guy was hot the first time, a mess the second. Another I’m working on but he is proving elusive. There are tons of guys on Grindr, Jackd and Scruff, but they’re too interested in being chatted up.

It’s so much work! I remember my younger, sluttier days with fondness, but I deserve a medal for all the time I put into these men. Was it always this hard? Where do my longtime single friends find the time the energy? I just want the sex without the hassle.

Always Games, I Never Guessed

Dear AGING:

Life is hard. If you deserve a medal, everyone deserves one, and I don’t do Millennial Participation Medals. You get a GenX Middle Age Cookie – sweet, but not enough to spoil you.

You probably just forgot, but tricking is a full time job. You have to prioritize it, make time for it, and keep at it. Maybe it’s lost its luster because after a real relationship, the payoff doesn’t look as good as it used to – in the pursuit or the prize.

For some guys, the actual trick is less the draw than the chase. Others tell themselves they’re looking for a boyfriend, or play other mind games on themselves to keep up the investment in random flings to avoid the difficult stuff of meaningful engagements. Maybe this used to be you, but you’re older now.

You say you don’t want the hassle, but Millennials are all about the hassle. It’s not their generation, but their age. It’s all new to explore and experiment with flirting, tricking and dating for them, just like you before your long-term relationship.

But I get it. Everybody understands a no-strings orgasm. Sex without any hassle at all is called porn.

 

Hey, Daddy!

I’m 25 and love a hookup. I’m not interested in playing house but playing the field. How can I avoid guys who want commitment and entanglements?

For Really Easy Ending

Dear FREE:

My best advice is always the simplest: Communicate. The same conversation in which you tell what you want to do to each other, you gauge his interest in more than sex. If you don’t match up, be willing to throw him back and fish for another catch.

 

When the sex goes public, and the little head isn’t having what the big head wants.

Hey, Daddy!
I can’t get enough sex in public places. I’ve done it in parks, in bus stations, cemeteries, industrial complexes, and even a church pew (Sadly, not during Sunday Service).

I love the risk of getting caught as part of foreplay, but actually getting caught probably wouldn’t go over well at work, or say, with my parents. How can I enjoy the adventure but avoid the actual threat?
Can An Upstart Get His Thrill?

Dear CAUGHT:
A lot of gay men have nugged and tugged in public, and even more say they fantasize about it. I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop you, but do know that the thrill in the risk has very real risk in the thrill.

Going to jail could totally happen. Arrests are made in Piedmont Park fairly regularly. That said, there are a few things to minimize your chances of literally getting caught with your pants down and more vulnerable to danger.

Scout out places with privacy, cover, and a wide vantage point that allows you to see anyone approaching. If that won’t work, consider a lookout.

Dark, deserted sites draw characters more unscrupulous than yourself, so hide valuables or don’t bring any. Find restrooms with two doors. When someone enters the first, you have a few extra seconds before they come through the second.

Hey, Daddy!
I know what I want in a guy on paper, but I end up with the wrong ones in bed. The “great husband” type of guy doesn’t turn me on. Where’s the guy who’s good for me on the streets and under the sheets?
Not Into Proper, Patently Into Creeps & Kooks

Dear NIT PICK:
It’s the classic struggle between big head and little head. Your adult self thinks it’s in charge, but your inner child formed your sexual tastes at a young age.

Some say marry Mr. Right and cheat. Others say literally force yourself to go after a different type, citing high satisfaction rates in arranged marriages.

Call me a hopeless optimist, but I believe there are guys you’d love to take home to Mother who would do things with you that Mom would never approve. It may take a more focused eye, but hold out hope.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor, mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help. 

When you’re dating a guy who’s more into his own needs than yours, you can worry about fixing him, or worry about what you can control: you.

Hey, Daddy!
I’m dating a guy who is all about himself. I’m talking every conversation, every meal, situation about-him narcissist. The real trouble is, I date this same type of guy over and over. What’s my problem?
Raging Ego Persists Every Absurd Time

Dear REPEAT:
Whether this guy is a clinical narcissist or just a run-of-the-mill selfish gay man, let’s focus on what you can control: You.

It’s common for us to regularly attract the same type. Maybe you’re a “giver.” Plenty other guys out there would reciprocate, but instead you and selfish pricks attract each other like magnets. His selfish key fits your compliant hole.

Don’t give up being accommodating, but do learn to be a little more “selfish” to your own needs as well as his. Approach men, and your life, differently, and I’ll bet you start getting a different response.

 

Hey, Daddy!
I have a friend who’s always late. I’ve grown used to it, but he recently kept me and a new acquaintance waiting nearly an hour for dinner. We were starving by the time he got there, and my guest left with a bad impression of both of us.

My friend is full of excuses. How can I convince him that late isn’t cute?
So Upset Could Kill Really

Dear SUCKR:
Accepting occasional trouble with scheduling is part of life, but acceptance of his repeated behavior is also on you. Stop being a doormat to his habitual tardiness.

If your friend writes me, I’ll give him an earful about respecting people’s time, and how grown men are only as good as their word. But since you’re the one writing, I won’t help you try to fix him. That’s not your problem.

You can figure out your friend’s patterns and try to work around them. If he’s perpetually 30, 45, 60 minutes late, factor it in and tell him an earlier start time. If he then has to wait on you sometimes, all the better.

Another option is to continue your plans without him. Warn him how it’s going to be, and stick to your word. When he shows up late and you’re wrapping dinner, he may learn over time. He may not, but no one is left hungry but him.

Daddy loves his boys. He knows the answers you need, andyou’re going to get them. Reach out with your burningquestions via our editor,mike@peachatl.com, and put “Hey, Daddy” in the subject line. Warning: Advice in this column is intended for entertainmentand novelty. Proceed at your own risk. If you’re in trouble, ask a professional for help.