By Scott King

Photos: Shutterstock.com, Wikipedia, PR

Man alive! A day without beautiful men is like a day without sunshine. Why even bother getting out of bed?

Since People Magazine keeps screwing it up so royally, I have taken it upon myself to make this year’s definitive list of the 18 Sexiest Men Alive.

Get it? Rest assured that men of every gender and orientation were considered for this list. Now let the man candy parade begin!

Brian Sims
The sexiest man alive, and America’s future first LGBT President, is progressive, feminist, a journeyman, and extremely comfortable with both his masculine and feminine sides. Representative Sims, the hands down heartthrob of the Pennsylvania General Assembly, climbs mountains while sporting amethyst scarves and a bright bear’s smile.  Brian Sims is the sexiest man alive. So, who will be his first lady? Vote for me!

Adam Rippon
A true queen rules with dignity and grace. Adam Rippon has zero body fat and gives zero effs what you think about him. He disposes of his haters with the flick of a wrist, whether they be vice presidents or anonymous internet trolls. He’s witty, hilarious, sharp as a blade, and exudes a joyful playfulness that has even Ellen Degenerous asking him to visit more often. Adam Rippon is walking, talking sex. USA! USA! USA!

Colin Kaepernick
Standing up, or kneeling down, for what you believe in is sexy. Colin Kaepernick, minus that terrible black leather jacket and turleneck, is also sexy. The dreds. The tats. The determination. I feel ya, bruh.

Barack Obama
Oooh, baby, I love your way. You may not very often think of Barack Obama in a sexual aspect, but imagine for a second that he were unmarried and of an ambiguous sexual orientation. Then he calls you up for a date and invites you to a nice dinner. Would you not break the furniture with excitement? I would. Also, there’s the fact that he was the best U.S. President since FDR. How bout’ that?

Jake Shears
Jake Jake Jake. Jake that booty. Could we ask for a groovier queer icon in rock and roll? When I found out JS was BFFs with Kylie Minogue, I couldn’t sleep for days. That is just too fabulous for words. You represent us well, Jake!

Finn Balor
Could we ask for a hotter ally in the world of professional sports and sports entertainment? This red hot ginger of an Irishman aggressively promotes LGBT-inclusiveness and anti-bullying in pro sports and the pro wrestling world. Cute as a bug and fit as a fiddle, he’s got the pro wrestling world and its LGBT fans singing his praises. I second that emotion.

LL Cool J
And the hottie with the body award goes to … Hey lover. This is more than a crush. We doin’ it and doin’ it and doin’ it well. You know that she was raised out in Brooklyn, but do you know that he actually does represent queens? Yes, LL Cool J was part of the team to help discover trans actor and budding superstar Lavern Cox. It’s not only ladies who love cool James okaaaaay.

Mark Consuelos
Kelly Ripa has superior taste in men. Another hottie with the body, a different type of body, but even more of a killer smile. That’s killer pun intended if you’re a Riverdale fan. Whenever he co-hosts Live with Kelly and they talk about their remote control bed, I die.

Conor McGregor
Bad, Conor! You’re so naughty. Don’t make me come over there and smack you!

Neil Degrasse Tyson
A man’s brain can be sexy. So can his passion. And his giggle. And his mustache. And his panache.

Ben Cohen
I’m guessing many of you have shaken hands, spoken to, or made eye contact with Ben Cohen. At a pride parade in Atlanta in 2011, Ben was on one of the floats and pointed at me, made eye contact and gave me the thumbs up. My life will never be the same.

Trent Reznor
Woof daddy! Trent Reznor has become the 21st century’s only true rock n roll animal. Never mind the 90’s and its heroin chic aesthetic, the Trent of now is the one we want to get all beasty with. As a bonus, he still makes good records. Hey pig, indeed.

Liev Schreiber
I admire vegans for their passion and commitment, but I must admit I do love me some steamy beef.

Kameron Michaels
Vanity and conceitedness are not sexy. Unless of course you have the goods to back back back it up. Only someone as sexy in any gender presentation as KM could inspire me to break all of my rules. The ice queen cometh!

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson
Okay okay okay I give. I submit to your sexiness. You have me pinned me down with your hotness. Care to go another round? I can’t wait to vote for you for President.

Nick Tortorella
Gender fluidity never looked so good. I have been impressed with Nick ever since they came into fame. Carry on, you sexy thing.

Ryan Reynolds
Without a doubt, Ryan Reynolds is the hottest red-headed Canadian actor named Ryan. America is still #1 tho.

David Duchovny
I cannot get over this guy. I was a couple years into puberty when I saw season 1 of The X-Files. My so-called life, then and now, will never be the same. Oh, Mulder, you’re such a card. My heart will always be with you on your quixotic journeys. Did you know that David Duchovny the man has written three novels? They didn’t even get trashed by the critics. I haven’t read any of them, but when I went to look for one at the bookstore in Ponce City Market, the cute girl behind the counter and I had quite a lovely chat about how hot DD is.

Need I say more?

 

 

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