By Branden Lee

 

It feels like fall has just begun, and it’s already almost over. First, I started with zero sex drive. Then my sex drive was insatiable. Now I’m not sure what’s going on. It’s like I’m horny and want to hook up, but then the thought of it makes me depressed.

 

It’s an odd time. It’s getting dark way earlier. It’s colder outside. It’s always raining and dreary weather, which is very depressing. This is supposed to be my favorite time of year full of many holidays and celebratory occasions. Everything feels so dull.

 

Maybe it’s just a lonely time of year, since this time last year I had a boyfriend. Granted we were constantly arguing, fighting, and breaking up every other week. I don’t miss having that toxicity and instability in my life, but I do want a relationship.

 

I want a bae. I need a boyfriend. Random hookups are not satisfying my needs. The only guys asking me on dates are the ones I have no interest in. The ones I want to go out with seem always to go silent mid-conversation when I suggest meeting up, even though we’ve already been chatting for days, weeks, maybe even a month.

 

When I just started online dating in college, a guy had a week to hold my attention. If we live in the same city, there is really no reason that we should constantly be chatting without meeting up. It’s understandable if you’re in different states or dozens of miles away. If we’re both in the Atlanta metro area, then there’s no excuse. Now I have zero tolerance.

 

If a guy and I are finally going to meet, and he comes up with an excuse to flake at the last minute, he’s getting deleted, blocked, and erased. If a guy seems to go ghost whenever I suggest meeting up, yet still wants to text daily, and is always viewing my Instagram story and social media posts, then he’s getting deleted, blocked, and erased from memory. A guy suddenly stops responding to texts and then wants to text back days later finally? He’s already deleted. I’ll hit him up with the “who’s this?” message. I am over all of this fuckboy bullshit.

 

I just turned 28. I’m not trying to find a husband or fully settle down, but I’m looking for something of substance. I want a boyfriend. I miss monogamy. Finding gay couples is rare in Atlanta, but I do miss that feeling of superiority of having a boyfriend while living in a city where most don’t believe love is possible to find.

 

I can delete, erase, and block every guy that flakes on me, don’t respond to a text, and wastes my time. None of that expedites the finding a boyfriend process. No matter what I do, finding a man is beyond my control. All I can have control over is putting myself out there. Responding to messages. Cultivating my dating profiles. Making myself look and feel better – but nothing about finding love is within our control, which is the most terrifying and devastating part. No matter what you do, you’re not guaranteed to find love in this cruel, scary world. No matter what you do, there’s nothing to prevent you from being alone.

 

Love happened for me the previous time when I least expected it. All I can do is hope that is perhaps how things will go better next time. Guys that aren’t putting in any effort to meet, definitely aren’t my future boyfriends, so no loss to erase them from my life. I shouldn’t be so transfixed on finding a man, and I still have to enjoy the fun and appreciate not being burdened by the negatives of a relationship.