By Kevin Assam

Photos:
Neon Lipstick: Alex Holyoake

Neon Burger: Phu Cuong Pham

The rarely thanked gems of the collective rainbow society. Beautiful Queer Females are like a box of chocolates. Sometimes, instead of eating them you lay them out like delightful marshmallow traps for children in an observational experiment. BQF’s or Queer Dears are typically straight but have dabbled sexually in the past and possess a great deal of seductive prowess that make them excellent at sales and lesbian, queer, and gay boy retention. I maintain several Queer Dear relationships— artists, Hello Kitty fanatics, realtors, and nurses. They are all so very useful for the following reasons. 

Silencing Talkative Lesbians
I love the intelligent and insightful conversations of my lesbian friends. Do tell me more about how dating is so difficult when you refuse to leave your cave and mingle with society. Sometimes, I’m just really hungry and need to properly fantasize about my next meal. Sushi off of a daddy’s chest? A S’mores Frappuccino with that delightfully bi-curious theater performer? I cannot consider anything however if my train of thought is interrupted by the whiny travails of one lesbian friend. Enter the BQF. I’ll discreetly send a text asking her to drop every customer she’s handling to join me pronto and nonchalantly sit on my lesbian friend’s lap. The sheer distraction of having such unobtainable booty plop down on the lezzie’s cargo shorts affords me a moment of silence to decide between that two-strawed ménage à deux or the extra spicy Mexican sushi roll.

Speaking with Managers
Even though most of my Queer Dears are introverts, they won’t stand for the mistreatment of nearby male queers — namely me! Whether it be a restaurant that was ill prepared to introduce a new brunch menu or an overenthusiastic bouncer carding me on a slow night, Queer Dears will gamely step forward and utter one of the most combative phrases of middle America, “may I speak to your manager?” As a non-confrontational Libra with a stacked ninth house, I’m game to stir the pot so long as someone else actually serves the soup. Queer Dears are a huge help in getting me the correct order of bacon that I originally asked for or having my non-tagged and no-receipt Andrew Christian undies returned sans question.

Setting Traps for Bi-Curious Men
Men are funny. Twenty years of being a tattoo artist or building contractor and they think they like girls. Wrong. At least partially. A well-positioned BQF at a bar or restaurant lures these covert bi-curious men out and into talking to us. These men think they’re here for the pretty straight looking female sitting next to me. My ego mischievously whispers that they’re really here for me. They just don’t know it yet. But I do. I use the time to listen in on the conversation — carefully inserting myself when needed. After my water with lemon starts to condense and leak across the table, I know it’s been a good fifteen minutes. I take my phone out and access the folder with all the horribly logo’d dating and hookup apps and scan the lists of nearby profiles. If the same guy appears, I immediately ask the BQF to switch seats and move in for the kill. If he doesn’t show as anything but a faceless torso, then I nudge my BQF to immediately demand the cheque so we can hit the road.

Recognizing Your Unhealthy Habits
Gay friends may overzealously point to your expanding waistline. Harsh. Straight friends may spend too much time talking about their own nonsensical Keto diets. Disappointing. And non-binaries may just continue to scold you as you trip over the pronouns of he, she, they, and X. Expected. Mercifully, BQFs or Queer Dears will gently reach across the table, grab you by the collar in a way that only a seasoned dom would lovingly do, and mention that you’re always taking your food home and rarely clearing your plate at the table. Spot on. It’s an offshoot of social anxiety from that time I had a bit of a wee in the school cafeteria. The trick is that for all their uses listed here, BQFs have double the amount attached to us queer boys. Our fates are intertwined. A rising tide lifts all pink boats. BQFs are concerned with their own public perception and will not tolerate being dragged down by others’ unkempt shirts or unruly thighs. However, their maternal instinct — typically acquired by caring for small purebred and needy animals — limits their degree of harshness. They will err on the side of gently communicating a stern blast of reality. Though they love themselves more and rightfully so, we come in a not too distant second. Beautiful Queer Females will only let us get so bad before executing a much-needed intervention. Treasure their care and nurture their pride in themselves and you.