By Kevin Assam
Photos: Ludomil, neONbrand
Nude photoshoots. Selfish eaters. And approaching widowed scruff daddies! Both selfies and selfishness feature prominently in this latest absurd relationship column.
Should bathroom mirror profile selfies instantly spell death for prospective dates?
The horror of that reflected flash! There’s something unseemly about spotting a toilet in the corner of the first photo you see of a potential partner. Now, if you’re going straight for a hookup, it shouldn’t matter as much. Unless their bathroom appears in such a disarray — spilled bottles of Rogaine, a clutter of toothbrushes that spell too many flings or roommates, unscrewed tubes of toothpaste — that you won’t even want to shower there. Far less for romping in their likely stained and unmade bed.
My boyfriend wants to eat the caramelized top off my crème brûlée. He should order his own or just buy a dick shaped lollipop on the way home! Am I right or am I right?
You’re right! As long as you’re aware that a strong argument can be made that a dick shaped lollipop is pretty much just an actual dick. Consider this. I would much rather try sharing than keto as a way to keep my love handles from graduating into love parachutes.
How long should I wait before approaching a recently widowed scruff daddy about a potential date? I plan on being respectful but direct in that I’ve always admired his doughy body and piercing soul from afar.
Eek! Let’s go with six months? I have no idea. That’s an incredibly subjective timeline tied to one’s emotional, physical, and even financial state. I will say that you should not feel unscrupulous for approaching him. Death happens. People grieve. People do not always want to come home to an empty house filled with reminders of someone we can no longer embrace. If you truly feel this passionate — not merely the growing itch of a years long waited fling — then I cannot fault you for possibly approaching him even sooner. If he reacts adversely though, you have to gently apologize and back off for some time before bringing this up again.
My lezzie friend has invited me to attend the local lesbian Sunday meetup that involves hot dogs, potlucks, real estate discussions, and watching sports. I would likely be the only male. Is it ok to attend?
I hear a lot of chatter about there being far more men only events than women only ones. Whether they are simple get togethers or headliner parties at major locations. But time and time again, I observed that “all-inclusive” events tend to be more enjoyable. It seems like this local Hot Dog Church has discovered the same. You have to assume your lesbian did her homework and checked with the group first to avoid unnecessary drama. Still, you should tag along and go make some new friends. This is on her if any angry glares occur. Tap into their network if you’re single and inquire about any prospects. Never underestimate the connections of lesbians. Far reaching.
There’s a bear daddy I’ve just connected with on Scruff who is bombarding my phone with messages asking “Are you available?” and “Can we meet up?” before I can even get my morning coffee in. Jeez! I’m talking five or seven consecutive messages in the span of two minutes! He’s attractive but this is psycho behavior. Is it rude to ignore?
Nope. You’re never available again. As far as he needs to know, you died yesterday.
As a sober individual I feel increasingly compelled to carry an alcohol substitute when I’m out at a bar or event — cranberry juice with soda that looks like a cranberry vodka or fruit punch that looks like, well, fruit punch. You know, to help blend in. Should I just ditch the fake booze and open myself up to people asking why I’m not drinking?
Fake drinks can help. However, if someone asks what you’re drinking you still have to decide if you’re going to say what it really is or lie. If you lie, then they will have the impression that you drink alcohol and will innocently foist shots upon you. People respect people who are sober. The steps to sobriety are not easy. Try ditching the pseudo-liquer next time. It’ll free up both hands to give someone the finger if they take issue with you not drinking.
I was gifted a certificate for a nude photoshoot while at a bar after I told a bunch of fan clackers to shut it. I have never done a shoot like this. Should I inquire about an exchange or just dive right in?
A tasteful nude photoshoot with or without props is going to be an invaluable treasure to hold on to ten years down the line when all those packs of smokes have weathered your body like the Key West summer sun. Obviously for safety reasons you should research the studio and photographer to ensure this was not printed overnight by an overzealous voyeur. Otherwise, have fun! The photographer will not be judging you — at least out loud. Their job will be to shower you with praise as you move from one scantily position to the next.