By Branden Lee
It is remarkable how quickly there can be a major turnaround in life. One week, or month, I can be pining away about heartbreak and love lost. Then suddenly I’m bombarded with guys. Going back on dates, and facing dilemmas of which of my friends with benefits I want to invite over. Then when not being able to choose between the two, just inviting both over. Not at the same time, of course.
It is important to take time to heal. I think I’m still in the healing process of my breakup. I don’t want to rush into a new relationship. I’ve been dumped by guys because they aren’t over their ex, and I don’t want to put someone else through that. I’m not over my ex. I can admit that. I’m getting over my ex. I’m in the process. I’m not fully there yet.
I have started going on dates, but I know deep down I’m not ready for another boyfriend. I think I could be if I met the right guy, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t felt that spark with anyone new yet. I need to feel the spark as soon as I meet someone to know if I want to be with them. I know as soon as I meet a guy in person if I am into him. There’s no growing to get to like someone with me. It’s an instant, love at first sight. Maybe not love, but definitely intrigue. I’ve had nice dates with some nice guys, but I didn’t have the spark. I did have a spark for a crush, but he never texts me back, so that’s a lost cause.
It does feel a bit harder dating again after having a serious relationship. I know my previous relationship was a tumultuous, off/on, 6-month mess, but that’s still the most serious relationship, well only real relationship, I’ve ever had. My ex is the only boyfriend I’ve had, and the bar has already been raised for any new guy that will become boyfriend number two.
I’ve had to move on from disappoint and heartbreak before; with every bad date, ‘he’s just not that into me,’ and rejection. It is different now. Moving on after actually knowing what it’s like to be in a real relationship. Moving on after knowing what it’s like to be loved. Moving on after realizing what it’s like to want to spend every second with someone and not ever be apart.
I want that with someone new, but it seems even harder to find. Like guys are even easier to dismiss now because I just don’t see myself loving them as intensely as I loved my ex. I’m not declaring that I’ll never love anyone as much as my ex, because I know there is someone and possibly many future loves of my life. I don’t believe that there’s only one love of our life, but every phase of our lives has a different love for that time period. Some do find one person for all their time periods, and others find multiple loves.
I’ve enjoyed just hooking up with guys, more than the dates I’ve been on. Hooking up comes with no expectations, no feelings, and not needing them to ignite the spark. They’re just a fling. I don’t need them to fulfill me emotionally, physically, lovingly, or in any way really. Just to keep me company for a night, or even an hour. It’s just sexual fulfillment, and that’s easier to come by then finding the next love of my life.
It’s definitely a long process of self-reflection and healing to make sure that I am ready to actually get back into dating. I feel like I’m heading down the right path. Knowing that there is someone else out there for me and that I am capable of feeling excited about new guys entire my life gives me hope. I have hope that a new man will reignite my flame, and give me that spark that makes me know he’s meant for me.
Branden Lee is a writer and actor. Follow Branden on Twitter and Instagram @Brandeness. Watch Branden on his YouTube channel SexxxPerTease.