By Scott King

 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone to suck all of my dicks. There’s dicks in outer space. There’s dicks in limbo. Dicks in heaven. Dicks in Hell. Dicks in my ear. Dicks in my mouth. There’s dicks in my brain, and dicks on my mind. Dicks are everywhere. Dicks dicks dicks dicks dicks. So many dicks. Dicks.

 

All these queens tho. Josh Homme, the lead singer and dynamic rhythm guitarist of Queens of the Stone Age, isn’t very attractive. Looking. I do not want to have sex with him. However, if he came into my room and was just sitting there quietly, I would shrug and say, “Come get on this dick.” There would be a pause. Then he would nod consent. He would give me a blow job, and then he would let me fuck him, but he probably wouldn’t enjoy it very much. He’s used to life’s prostitutorial disappointments. He understands that there is a lot of compromise and bombast in public life. He also knows that you get used to the taste, but that the rage is ever fresh.

I bet you he would suck all of my dicks. He’s really good at everything he does. His band succeeds at taking the terrified masculine energy of Nirvana and mixing it with the slinky feminine energy of Queen. And Sleater-Kinney. Those power chords and lead guitars interweave as if they were written and played by cisgendered bisexual females.

 

It’s exhilarating. Rumor has it he named his band Queens of the Stone Age to subvert the inherent machismo and heteronormativity of hard rock. Notice the less-than-subtle allusion to priapic phallocentrism in the phrase “hard rock.” Dang. I’m getting excited.

 

I love rock. And cock. But normally the dudes in rock bands are so fucking ugly. And their songs rarely make me want to sleep with them. Most of the ones I want to bone are the ones who are either queer or androgynous or just fucked up and pretty.

 

Michael Stipe. Morrissey. Billy Pumpkin. Jake Shears. Kurt Cobain. Tupac Shakur. And okay, I’ll admit it; that guy from Third Eye Blind. Did you know “Semi-Charmed Life” is about crystal meth?

 

I saw Queens of the Stone Age at Music Midtown in 2013. It was one of the best shows I’ve ever seen. I can’t remember what song it was, but they put up this graphic that was basically themed along the lines of Hot Babes in Outer Space. It was sketched out in graphic novel quality pencil drawings of voluptuous, hippy females, very 70’s, with interstellar lightning bolts connecting their belly buttons. It was arched backs, pathos, and ambiguity. The whole scene made me want to WANT to fuck women. Beautiful women. In outer space.

 

At the festival, my friends abandoned me to go watch the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I hear they’re really good live. So I made friends with two cute young ladies and a decent looking redheaded guy standing next to me. After a little bit of chat about how much we were into the band, dude said, “Yeah, if I actually were gay, Josh Homme would be my God and my lover.”

“You’re not gay???” I mused. His friends unsuccessfully stifled a few hardy chuckles. He seemed a little gay. “So, THAT’S why we haven’t met.” After the show, the girls hugged me sweetly. The guy gave me a fist bump. “Rock on, dude.” I’m pretty sure he was gay.

 

Queens of the Stone Age will be headlining the middle Saturday of the I get so weak in the knees I can hardly speak Shaky Knees Festival on May 5th. That’s Cinco de Mayo. I’m going to be there.

Scott King’s milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. He could teach you, but he’d have to repeal and replace. Scott King is, like, a really smart person.