By Scott King
So many fish, so little sea.
You know, there’s a lot of people out there.
Six million in metro Atlanta, to be exact. Just under one million in Atlanta proper. If you take the fact that one in five Millennials identify as LGBT, and one in two people on planet earth are male, that means that there are a hundred thousand gay men inside the perimeter.
And miles to go before I sleep with them all. I’m basically like a virgin.
Let’s say 1 in 4 are attractive enough to swipe right. That’s 25,000 first dates, give or take an ex or two.
Can you tell I’m single again? My summer fling fizzled out. He was a mean drunk, and I’m way too sensitive to date a Scorpio.
So, what to do? How bout we go fishing? I will make you fishers of men.
Here are my types:
TALL DARK AND HANDSOME
I like the strong but silent type. Minus the silent. I come from a long line of talkers, so I don’t want some dude who makes me feel like an idiot for filling the air with noise.
Send me dark, poetic text messages in the middle of night. I’ve never thought Russell Crowe was very cute, but I like his brooding nature. Now, if I could only find an available, local guy who is stoic yet present, well, it would be my favorite mistake.
SWEET AND CUTE
Pretty much the opposite of my first type, at least on paper. Nice to have someone to brighten my day and bring me out of my darkness and sardonic, existentialist self-indulgence.
They get my jokes, but they would never make them themselves. They are cute and fit, but they don’t see the gym as a life-or-death situation. They are intelligent, but they think intellectualism is overrated. I am drawn to all of these qualities. The key to a good relationship with someone who is cute and sweet is to allow them to infect me with their light, rather than seeing it as a binary of daydreamer versus night music.
If you are this person, please say hello to me on Facebook. You know you want to. Awww.
I like a man who can commit. It seems like I always meet them at the wrong time tho. Usually on the dance floor. They give me the vibe. They give me the look. I’m like oh yeah this is going to be my date y’all. Then they act all disingenuous when I go in for some real human interaction. They usually buy me shots as a consolation. No, you cannot take a selfie with me. Okay byyyyyye.
INTENSE AND INTELLIGENT
I like a man who makes me feel stupid. Not because I’m a masochist, but mostly because there’s so much to know and I have a tendency towards arrogance intellectually.
Brains brains brains! All these sexy brains. You need to be pretty on the outside as well, but I can dampen my normal levels of superficiality and vanity if you can get through one book a week.
Deal? I think I’m dumb, or maybe just happy.
You have a job. I have a job. You tuck your shirt in, even when you’re just having cocktails with friends. You pay 50 bucks to get your hair cut once a month, and you tip generously. You have a stellar record collection, organized alphabetically. You enjoy a good concert. You always cry at a good film.
I’m a fun guy. I can occasionally pay for dinner. Let’s have drinks sometime. Pick you up at 8?
BEASTS OF BURDEN
Do you remember the last five minutes of the very last episode of Six Feet Under, when they flash forward to all of the main characters’ deaths? David’s is my favorite. He’s at a picnic table with his second husband, and he has a vision of his first husband and one true love Keith, previously deceased. In that moment, Keith is just as he remembers him. He is beautiful, smiling, warm, and gentle as he plays football non-hegemonically.
That’s what I want. That warm smile of knowing.
Are any of these types you? If so, you know what to do.