Hey you! How’s quarantine? I’m trying to keep sane being cooped up in my 1.2-million-acre mansion in Beverly Hills. It feels strange only to have four pools to choose from when I want to take a swim. I can’t even visit my favorite salons, restaurants, bathhouses, or even those national park glory holes! I think we can all agree that it sucks living through a viral outbreak. I finally see what upset Milla Jovovich so much in “Resident Evil.”

What upsets me during this time is how many douche bags I see walking around without masks on. I know what you’re thinking: the people who don’t wear masks will luckily die and leave the world a smarter place. And I think you’re probably right. But they will most likely take innocent people with them. And what I find weird is there are SO MANY fantastic mask options just waiting to be shown off, I don’t understand why aren’t more people taking this opportunity. I decided to video chat with some of my favorite squirrel friends to find out what the hottest mask fashions are available to get more people into wearing them.

Edith Pooh is a celebrated TikTok fashion designer and started her own line of upscale cover-ups. Edith explains what sets her masks apart is that they’re not ugly. Her collection ranges from holographic rainbow fabrics to rhinestone Henna prints. If you want to be safe, fabulous, and let the world know, you’re probably cursing them underneath your mask, this line is absolutely for you! Edith also noted that she’s surprised she isn’t seeing more of her brand around in the city. “Studies show that people appear prettier when they cover their ugly faces. So why don’t they do that? It makes no sense,” Edith exclaims as she inhales a long toke of her Virginia Slims.

Her research is pretty hard to argue with. And while her masks run a slightly high price of $150, I swear by them! Another dear friend of mine, Miguel Morningside, resident trophy boy and self-proclaimed founder of the Morningside Park in Atlanta, loves using masks for catfishing. He explains that with so many varieties of patterns, colors, and shapes, you could potentially catfish the same person indefinitely! Why you would want to catfish someone is entirely up to you, but the thrill is such fun. Seeing how easy it is to catfish people during this pandemic leaves Miguel confused as to why more people aren’t wearing masks. Miguel has been taking lots of time to figure out why so few people are wearing masks since it takes less time to put a mask on than your shoes.

The confusion Edith and Miguel share towards the lack of mask-wearing led me to my good friend, and legally deaf French horn prodigy, Natalia Keller. Natalia travels the world for her concerts and to inspire people to pursue dreams that seem impossible to achieve. In her travels, she noticed how many countries (like Japan and Korea) wear masks out of courtesy. Once the pandemic started, it baffled her how many nations took to common sense and wore masks, while the United States became a parody of itself. Natalia uses people’s mouths to understand better what they’re trying to say when they can’t speak sign language and has designed see-through masks made of plastic. She hopes people are less scared of masks if they are able to wear one that doesn’t conceal their lips. But she feels we as a nation are too incapable of common sense to wear masks during a viral outbreak pandemic.

I love the innovation my friends have made to make masks more practical and fashionable. But I’m afraid the people who aren’t wearing masks already are too stupid to change. If these inspiring individuals convinced you to start wearing a mask, I am thrilled! They’re great, safe, affordable, and literally should be made into a law. Be safe, and I hope to see more masks worn outside.

Yours in wearing masks,
Mitzi Pennington